The Real Tea On Being Plus And African....
The Real Tea on Being Plus and African!
Hey, hey, hey!!
How are you guys doing? I hope you all are staying safe and masking before stepping out there!
Today, I wanted to have a real in-depth conversation regarding the reality or rather my reality of being an African plus size woman. .
Now, I know when it comes to being plus size and African, for some reason, people have always bought into the narrative that Africans LOVEEE them some big women. I mean I get it, after EVERYONE has seen the movie PhatGirls, starring Monique. Since then, the stereotype that African men love plus size African women has been heavily romanticized. And I TRULY wish that were true. From parents, to family, to romantic relationships with African men in my past, being in a plus-size body has not always been smiles and roses.
The reality of the matter is, being a woman, -- especially a single woman -- almost hitting her thirties is a big deal within my culture. However, being single, a woman, and PLUS SIZE, seemed like the worse combination one can ever be. Not only are you single, you are also FAT, and according to so many aunties, what man could possibly want you? Maybe your only hope were those creepy uncles who stare at your ynash (butt) any chance they can get? I have dealt with so many family members who would “advise” me to lose weight just so I could get dates. I have gotten so many unwanted and unwelcomed suggestions of how different my life could be, or how different my love life could be, if I was smaller.
Romantic relationships also seemed like a joke to me. For the past eight years I have only dated Ghanaian and Nigerian men. Out of that, I have one ex who insulted my weight every chance he got. My fupa was an issue, my rolls, my stretch marks, and everything else in between disgusted him. He constantly mentioned that I needed to invest in proper skin care products to get rid of my stretch marks. He even went to the extent to ask photographers to photoshop my stretch marks when he came along to shoots, I did in Ghana. What is mind boggling to me is all the things he saw as imperfections were present when he first caught an interest. I wondered how come things suddenly changed and my body became an issue for him. This was my first breaking point. Despite it all, after that relationship, I continued to date African men, because I did not want to believe they were all like him. I soon realized that most of the African men that I dated loved my body in private but in public shamed me for it. They praised the body types that social media constantly showed, but when it came to me, my body, and my size it was a different story. Those relationships broke me to my core. It made me feel even less than and, unworthy of love. My confidence felt like it was diminishing by the second!
I soon realized that the men, or better yet the people who hated my size so much were rather projecting their own insecurities onto me. I understood most of the men who always had something negative to say about my size, were never the fit ones - I mean they were never the guys who had six packs. A lot of the guys that felt the need to give me weight loss advice should have taken their own advice. That also goes for the aunties who kept poking on my body but had many marital issues to work out for themselves.
Now, I am not saying all African men do not favor plus size bodies, I have come across a few who do not ridicule me for being plus size. They do not only appreciate my body but see me beyond that and appreciate me as a person. I want to be clear that not every plus size African woman gets the Monique experience from other African men, or their larger community.
The real tea on being plus and African is that plus size bodies are not always glorified in African culture. Plus size bodies are shamed especially when one is not in a relationship. Plus sized bodies are told the only reason they should lose weight is for a man. African culture puts a marriage on a pedestal. The belief is that everyone’s – especially women—goal should be to be married. All these cultural norms have helped me to better understand the power of confidence and self-love. I am now at the point that comments that I described above do not shake me, or my confidence. There is so much more to life then changing your appearance for a man or family. The best love, as cliche as it sounds is the love you have for yourself. I can attest that when you truly find that confidence from within, that right guy will come along African or not. Love YOU Live Now, because at the end of the day, the way you love yourself shapes how you live your life, and how those around you show you love, care, and respect.
