Questioning My Confidence

Reflecting back on this year, I can say that one of my recent challenges with blogging this year has been displaying my vulnerabilities in the public eye. My blog was built on showing how confidence is seen through fashion. However, this year my confidence has been challenged in so many ways, to the point that it has torn friendships and even lowered my self esteem. And the challenges was a result of how people saw me based on my social media.

Social media is interesting because people would look at the accounts of others and place judgements on people based on everything they see being posted. For example, I started a completely new job in a new industry in March of 2018. The beginning of this new journey was such a struggle because the job required learning new skills and looking at business through a slightly different lens then how you would look at it in terms of blogging. So this new job required a lot of learning, asking questions, and basically seeking help at anytime. I wasn’t used to that at all. So anytime I came across a problem and felt overwhelmed, people would throw comments at me like “aren’t you this confident blogger, why aren’t you acting like that right now” “how are you confident on Instagram but not right now” comments like this added to my stress level. I felt like I was clueless and couldn’t take the time to learn my role because of the pressure I was receiving from the outside world. It was like my confidence was being questioned and attacked because I was insecure about being a new worker and not being entirely comfortable in my new role. 

It was as though my character was being attacked from multiple angles. One place negativity came from was from people who I considered myself having genuine friendships with or what I thought were friendships. I couldn’t have a bad day. If I would post a positive message and wasn’t feeling like “myself” I would get messages such as “how are you saying you’re feeling depressed if I just saw a post from you encouraging others”. Yes. You did. But as I encourage others, I am also encouraging myself. Am I not allowed to have bad days too? This made me feel like I have to be this perfect person and I’m far from perfect. Far from it. But I felt this pressure. Pressure of having to have that smile you constantly see in my selfies. And that pressure coming from everyone around me broke me. Entirely. 

These two experiences made me truly realize that confidence was beyond the wardrobe. Yes you can look good, but if you’re not confident in everything about yourself and you allow everyone to break you down, then what a waste of a wardrobe. Right? 

From this I knew I needed to figure this out. Figure out how to truly own me. And owning me also meant my flaws. Accepting that I have bad days and not caring how that makes others feel. Accepting that I can be clueless and not feel ashamed and overwhelmed over it. Accepting that I am human. A work in progress and not ashamed about it either. 

Nevertheless both experiences brought forth many lessons, and many reminders. I have listed eight things to remind myself to no longer lose or question my confidence, and continue being my own inspiration. Not anyone else’s

1. Making mistakes does not mean anything. It’s okay to make mistakes, it’s okay to fail what’s not okay, is giving up

2. Let go. Don’t hold on to anything that isn’t paying your bills, or helping you in life.

3. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on yourself. Your lane.

4. Give yourself daily goals. Even if it’s something such as bring in lunch. Things that make you feel like a winner. It doesn’t matter what it is to achieve, as long as you achieve.

5. Create boundaries, don’t give others the power to talk negatively about you, to you and feel like it’s okay

6. Practice self care, because if you don’t do it for yourself, no one else will

7. Help others, even if it’s something small. A caring gesture goes a long way.

8. Pray!!!